What if I told you I miss you? What if I said this is enough? We need to make a move. We've been sitting in the same place for too long now. I've prayed over us and I've prayed over you. Somewhere along the way I forgot about me. So did you.
I've poured myself into us and into you. I've made decisions, to better our life together and always with your input. I'd venture to even say sometimes for your benefit without ever considering me. That's what this was to me. To make sure you were given what you wanted. To try to meet every need.
Here I am now. All alone. I can't find you no matter how hard I search. I see you but you're not here. Not really. So many times I've stayed awake praying you'd come back. You've made me a believer. That you're gone. I still miss you.
Now I realize I did a disservice. To myself anyway. I may have to you. I built an expectation for myself that I could never have lived up to in your eyes. Who could? I placed myself as the sole provider. Of love, acceptance and of gratification. No one should have to live up to that. Nor should you have.
My mistake? Not putting God first. Not realizing that's where my fulfillment must come from. I inadvertently put it on you. That was incredibly unfair. I won't apologize for putting you first. Nor will I apologize for trying so hard. It's who I am. I gave it my all. This is no longer my burden. I've given it away to the One who does love me. To He who will never waiver on His love and commitment to me. I've given it to my Savior. To my Jesus.
"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
4.28.2013
4.19.2013
You Can't Figure It Out?
Lately, things have been completely upside down in my life. To the point that my stomach is in a constant knot and my heart is breaking almost daily. Why? I don't know.
I guess the thing is I feel lost. I know who my God is, but outside of that I'm not sure about anything else. I can't figure anything out inside my world. I feel cut off and shut out. It sucks. You get to a point where you feel like you are doing everything right and then everything falls apart. The reality is we do very little right. Too often we try to guide ourselves. We try to be big enough to do it on our own so we can control it. We fail to realize how weak and imperfect we really are.
On the other hand, I pray constantly for an answer. Some sort of resolution. I may feel unwanted or unloved by the world and even people in my life, but I have a Heavenly Father who doesn't feel that way about me. He sent His Son for me.
The struggle is finding that peace. The world teaches us that all gratification should come from ourselves or from those around us. This couldn't be further from the truth. Our gratification should come from Jesus. He is our link, our path to happiness and joy. He is our life blood.
I know the avenue to this peace. I know it's not an easy road to travel. Then again, what is? Nothing that comes easy is ever good for you. At least it hasn't been for me. Life is hard sometimes. Deep down I think we can all agree with that. I don't know how to change that, but I know who can ease the struggle and its not me. It's Jesus. Through Him, we can be set free. It's maintaining the course of that faith that is difficult.
If there's anyone out there that reads this, I have a simple request. Just pray for me. Pray for me to keep the faith. Pray for strength so I can maintain that course. We are all called to do something. The way we get there is uncertain. Just make sure your moves are guided by the author of life and love. That's where I'm aiming.
I guess the thing is I feel lost. I know who my God is, but outside of that I'm not sure about anything else. I can't figure anything out inside my world. I feel cut off and shut out. It sucks. You get to a point where you feel like you are doing everything right and then everything falls apart. The reality is we do very little right. Too often we try to guide ourselves. We try to be big enough to do it on our own so we can control it. We fail to realize how weak and imperfect we really are.
On the other hand, I pray constantly for an answer. Some sort of resolution. I may feel unwanted or unloved by the world and even people in my life, but I have a Heavenly Father who doesn't feel that way about me. He sent His Son for me.
The struggle is finding that peace. The world teaches us that all gratification should come from ourselves or from those around us. This couldn't be further from the truth. Our gratification should come from Jesus. He is our link, our path to happiness and joy. He is our life blood.
I know the avenue to this peace. I know it's not an easy road to travel. Then again, what is? Nothing that comes easy is ever good for you. At least it hasn't been for me. Life is hard sometimes. Deep down I think we can all agree with that. I don't know how to change that, but I know who can ease the struggle and its not me. It's Jesus. Through Him, we can be set free. It's maintaining the course of that faith that is difficult.
If there's anyone out there that reads this, I have a simple request. Just pray for me. Pray for me to keep the faith. Pray for strength so I can maintain that course. We are all called to do something. The way we get there is uncertain. Just make sure your moves are guided by the author of life and love. That's where I'm aiming.
4.09.2013
Hope is what I Gained from this...
Pain is imminent. How you handle that pain is completely up to you. It's funny because I've been going through something lately that has been the hardest thing I've ever been through. I know that everyone goes through something and everyone's pain is real. I don't want to take away from that. I want to preface by saying that regardless the situation, I am still blessed. But my pain is my pain and to me it's tough.
I've been told I'm a fixer. I try to fix everything. I can understand how that can be annoying. At first I think it was a selfish tendency. I didn't want to go through the rough patch so my natural instinct was to try to fix it. I didn't know that the other person would be upset by this. I didn't know that trying to make the situation better was a problem.
The next phase of my fixing was for those around me. I didn't want them to hurt anymore so I tried to remedy. I asked questions, probably too many and I tried to force conversation. I'm a fixer.
On the other hand, I wanted what I wanted because of the vision I had for my life. I have this thing called by some an imagination. I imagined the American dream. That doesn't always work out, to no fault of your own. I certainly am learning that the hard way.
The one thing I have learned in this situation is that sometimes God speaks to us through others. I feel that he has to me. Let me also preface, in case you are confused, that God did not appear to me in a burning bush nor did He yell at me through a thunderstorm. I feel that He has gotten my attention and confirmed an answer to a prayer through others. I've been told several times over the last four days one thing specifically. Twice by trusted friends or family, once through a sermon at church and another by a family member who heard almost the same sermon at a different church altogether. To sweeten the pot, that sermon brought me to their mind.
So what is this mysterious awakening? This confirmation? It's actually very simple. Here it is. God's plan or vision for my life is much greater than my own vision or plan for my life. I know. It's simple. Almost elementary if you're a Christian. Lets just say it was written out for us. The Bible says :For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). Here's the thing. My plans may very well cause harm for me and bring about struggle. That is not hopeful.
I am still learning and I am still praying. I know that God is in control. I have learned that I cannot take the wheel here. I have to fully commit to Him. I have to let him take it.
Just to wrap this up, please know that I do not brag wisdom. Nor will I try to convince you that I am a Bible scholar or a theologian. I am simply a broken, insecure man who is searching for something. An answer or a truth. I need this revelation to come from my faith because quite frankly, I'm not strong enough or smart enough to do it on my own. I know that there is a struggle ahead of me. I am afraid of the cost as well as the outcome. I know there will be some degree of suffering no matter the outcome. But, I know there is good from that as well. The Bible also says this: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3, 4 NIV).
Thank God for hope. It's what we need. It's what I yearn for. I will keep the faith. I will lean on The Lord. No matter what. I am so glad that He is in control. I never will be.
I've been told I'm a fixer. I try to fix everything. I can understand how that can be annoying. At first I think it was a selfish tendency. I didn't want to go through the rough patch so my natural instinct was to try to fix it. I didn't know that the other person would be upset by this. I didn't know that trying to make the situation better was a problem.
The next phase of my fixing was for those around me. I didn't want them to hurt anymore so I tried to remedy. I asked questions, probably too many and I tried to force conversation. I'm a fixer.
On the other hand, I wanted what I wanted because of the vision I had for my life. I have this thing called by some an imagination. I imagined the American dream. That doesn't always work out, to no fault of your own. I certainly am learning that the hard way.
The one thing I have learned in this situation is that sometimes God speaks to us through others. I feel that he has to me. Let me also preface, in case you are confused, that God did not appear to me in a burning bush nor did He yell at me through a thunderstorm. I feel that He has gotten my attention and confirmed an answer to a prayer through others. I've been told several times over the last four days one thing specifically. Twice by trusted friends or family, once through a sermon at church and another by a family member who heard almost the same sermon at a different church altogether. To sweeten the pot, that sermon brought me to their mind.
So what is this mysterious awakening? This confirmation? It's actually very simple. Here it is. God's plan or vision for my life is much greater than my own vision or plan for my life. I know. It's simple. Almost elementary if you're a Christian. Lets just say it was written out for us. The Bible says :For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). Here's the thing. My plans may very well cause harm for me and bring about struggle. That is not hopeful.
I am still learning and I am still praying. I know that God is in control. I have learned that I cannot take the wheel here. I have to fully commit to Him. I have to let him take it.
Just to wrap this up, please know that I do not brag wisdom. Nor will I try to convince you that I am a Bible scholar or a theologian. I am simply a broken, insecure man who is searching for something. An answer or a truth. I need this revelation to come from my faith because quite frankly, I'm not strong enough or smart enough to do it on my own. I know that there is a struggle ahead of me. I am afraid of the cost as well as the outcome. I know there will be some degree of suffering no matter the outcome. But, I know there is good from that as well. The Bible also says this: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3, 4 NIV).
Thank God for hope. It's what we need. It's what I yearn for. I will keep the faith. I will lean on The Lord. No matter what. I am so glad that He is in control. I never will be.
4.02.2013
From Me to You...I Love You When...
I love you. More than words can explain, I love you. When you are up and everything is right with your world, so is it with mine. I love you when you're happy.
I love you. When you are angry and can't get past it, I'm here. Either to help you make sense of it or to grovel and make up for it. You're anger is my anger and I will try my best to help you through it to the other side. I love you when you're angry.
I love you. When you're down and out and everything is crashing down, so is it with me. I will be here to pick you up and dust you off. I will make every effort to bring a smile to your beautiful face and see you back from the ruins. I love you when you're down.
I love you. When the world makes you indifferent I will offer what I can. If you need space and time, that's what I will give but will always be close by. If you need me I'm here when you're ready. I love you when you're not yourself.
I love you. When the world throws anything it can at you or us, I will stand in front of you. I will combat those attacks and take the brunt of it so you don't have to. I love you when you feel that everything is stacked against you.
I love you. When you're excited about what's coming or happening, I will share in that excitement. I will encourage you and make sure it's known how special and deserving you are of everything good coming your way. I love you when you're successful.
I love you. When you try at something or have a dream and it falls through, I will be there to help you pick up the pieces. We will make strides to ensure the next time is better. I love you when you fail.
I love you. When it feels like I'm too busy, too consumed with everything else, you're my first concern. I will work hard to give you the best and to make sure you're taken care of. I will make time for you and us. I love you when you're in need.
I love you. When we have nothing and can't find anyway around, I love you. When the bills pile up and the money runs low, I will sacrifice. I love you when we're poor.
I love you. When everything is in our favor and nothing we want is out of reach, we will enjoy it together. I will be thankful with you. I love you when we're rich.
I love you. When you feel like no one is around and you can't keep going I will carry you. I will pray you through everything and give it to God with you. I will hold you and comfort you. I love you when you're lonely.
I love you. When you feel you're getting older and your youth has left you I will let you know how beautiful you are. I will make sure you know that none hold a candle to you. Inside and out, you're the most beautiful, perfect woman in this world. I love you when you're insecure.
I love you. There are so many things that will stack against us and try to break us. I won't give up. I never will. You are the glue that holds my heart together and nothing will break that. I will put on my armor and grab my shield. I will go into battle, scared or courageous, and I will take on war for you, for us. I will fight for you. When all else is gone, my love will never be. I love you when nothing else is constant.
I love you. I pledge my life to God, you and our family. Through good and bad, ups and downs, I am here to love you. I will build you up and make this life ours to share together. I love you when I wake. I love you when I sleep.
I love you. I always have and I always will. When it's easy and when it's not, it will not change. It will not falter, it will not fade. It will not go away. It will get stronger and will not run out.
From me to you, I love you.
I love you. When you are angry and can't get past it, I'm here. Either to help you make sense of it or to grovel and make up for it. You're anger is my anger and I will try my best to help you through it to the other side. I love you when you're angry.
I love you. When you're down and out and everything is crashing down, so is it with me. I will be here to pick you up and dust you off. I will make every effort to bring a smile to your beautiful face and see you back from the ruins. I love you when you're down.
I love you. When the world makes you indifferent I will offer what I can. If you need space and time, that's what I will give but will always be close by. If you need me I'm here when you're ready. I love you when you're not yourself.
I love you. When the world throws anything it can at you or us, I will stand in front of you. I will combat those attacks and take the brunt of it so you don't have to. I love you when you feel that everything is stacked against you.
I love you. When you're excited about what's coming or happening, I will share in that excitement. I will encourage you and make sure it's known how special and deserving you are of everything good coming your way. I love you when you're successful.
I love you. When you try at something or have a dream and it falls through, I will be there to help you pick up the pieces. We will make strides to ensure the next time is better. I love you when you fail.
I love you. When it feels like I'm too busy, too consumed with everything else, you're my first concern. I will work hard to give you the best and to make sure you're taken care of. I will make time for you and us. I love you when you're in need.
I love you. When we have nothing and can't find anyway around, I love you. When the bills pile up and the money runs low, I will sacrifice. I love you when we're poor.
I love you. When everything is in our favor and nothing we want is out of reach, we will enjoy it together. I will be thankful with you. I love you when we're rich.
I love you. When you feel like no one is around and you can't keep going I will carry you. I will pray you through everything and give it to God with you. I will hold you and comfort you. I love you when you're lonely.
I love you. When you feel you're getting older and your youth has left you I will let you know how beautiful you are. I will make sure you know that none hold a candle to you. Inside and out, you're the most beautiful, perfect woman in this world. I love you when you're insecure.
I love you. There are so many things that will stack against us and try to break us. I won't give up. I never will. You are the glue that holds my heart together and nothing will break that. I will put on my armor and grab my shield. I will go into battle, scared or courageous, and I will take on war for you, for us. I will fight for you. When all else is gone, my love will never be. I love you when nothing else is constant.
I love you. I pledge my life to God, you and our family. Through good and bad, ups and downs, I am here to love you. I will build you up and make this life ours to share together. I love you when I wake. I love you when I sleep.
I love you. I always have and I always will. When it's easy and when it's not, it will not change. It will not falter, it will not fade. It will not go away. It will get stronger and will not run out.
From me to you, I love you.
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