We were still innocent...

Children have an innate ability to win you over. It may be the angelic faces, the fiendish actions that are too cute to get mad at or maybe the soft whispers telling us how much we are loved. One thing is for sure. They possess a sweet innocence. 

I have observed this first hand over the last week with my two kids. They have been trying, precious, angry, sad and funny. Above all, they lay their heads down at night with innocence. 

We lose this ability at some point along the way. The world tries its best to change us. It changed me. I am sure I once had this innocence too. I wish I still did. We all get thrown into the fire of growing up and focusing on the world too soon. It sneaks up on us and we don't know it until it is too late. It's a shame. 

I pray for my children and yours. I pray that they somehow hold on to their innocence a bit longer, maybe forever. I think it's possible. If we focus on teaching our children, really guiding them, maybe we can be successful. We can show them how to focus on the things that matter rather than the things we think matter. Lets teach them the lay of the land. Teach them that there is an overcomer on our side. Lets show them Jesus. Not just in the stories we read them, but in the example we set for them. Lets pull them through the storm before they have to wage war on their own. Lets let them know and remind them daily that we are there for them without fail. Lets maintain their innocence. They will grow up fast enough without us helping. 

Our Word Meant Something

I have heard many promises. Some people promise to keep in touch, some promise not to lie anymore. Others promise to return something borrowed and others promise to pay you back. Promises are dangerous.

I have been on both sides of promises. I have absolutely made promises that I have broken. I have also had promises made to me that weren't kept. The latter is a tough spot to be in. I find myself there quite often. 

Luckily, this blog gets next to no reads so I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone. It's kind of nice. If I did have readers, people would take the advice. I'm going to pretend this is the case here. 

Here's the thing readers (all statistically .3 of you). If you must continue to make promises, think about the implications of those binding agreements that you may not hold true to. Think about it long and hard. If you make a promise, keep it. Don't go back on your word. The repercussions of your word being broken are great. You don't even know them. Too often we treat our honor like its something that we can replace when it's worn out. That is unfortunate and simply not true. Once broken, the rebuilding process is long and hard. You can't buy this off of a shelf. Once it's gone, it's difficult to get back.

There will be people whose hearts you break. Your intentions may be good, but the pressure promises bring are not for everyone. Many are crushed and few hold true. If you must promise, promise this: to love wholly,forgive easily and always stand by your word. Make a believer out of me that people can be trusted becuase right now I am skeptical. If you can't do that, at least promise not to promise. At least that one won't hurt so bad when it's broken. I promise. 

Your Foundation is Weak

Sometimes you build things that last. Whether it is a building, a career or a relationship, you make it work. It's based on the foundation. Now, I'm no engineer (although sometimes I second guess my career choice so much that I wish I were), but it takes only a little common sense to know that your foundation has to be solid in order for your structure to last. 

There are other times where you put in the work and it doesn't last. A small storm can come and damage what you've worked so hard at but it stands. When it's shaken, you wait for the squall to pass and start your repairs. But still, the foundation is rocky. It's just a matter of time before it falls. 

Then it happens. The biggest storm of your life comes and it hits you out of no where. You were rebuilding, employing fundamentally sound ideals. It doesn't matter unless you began a foundation overhaul. When the next storm comes, that building, that career, that relationship is in danger of imploding again. If your foundation is weak, it will be in ruins. 

There is a remedy. You can build on solid ground, but it's work and you make an effort. Do not let outside forces destroy you. They will come against you. Relentlessly. Without fail. What will you do? I will trust The Lord. 

Mark 4: 3-8 says this: Listen! A farmer went to plant seed. Some seeds were planted along the road, and birds came and devoured them. Other seeds were planted on rocky ground, where there wasn’t much soil. The plants sprouted quickly because the soil wasn’t deep. When the sun came up, they were scorched. They didn’t have any roots, so they withered. Other seeds were planted among thornbushes. The thornbushes grew up and choked them, and they didn’t produce anything. But other seeds were planted on good ground, sprouted, and produced thirty, sixty, or one hundred times as much as was planted.” 

That's our lesson. That is our contractor. Jesus is our answer. 

God was the Same...

So I read Hebrews 11 this morning, thanks to my church who put it out on Facebook. In all honesty, this chapter basically calls back to our recollection that there are many people in the Bible who faced hard times. Times where the world was ending, people were dying and there were great dangers. Sounds somewhat familiar.
No matter what is going on, often we lose sight of the fact that God is still in control and will remain there. We try so hard to take everything and carry it all ourselves. Is it because we don't want him to have to worry about it? Very doubtful. It's because we have made the decision that we don't trust him with it. Not fully and not faithfully. We made the decision that our problems are too big for him. We may know he's there and know that he saved us from sin, but how many of us are truly faithful?
The same God that saved Noah is here. The one who stopped Abraham from sacrificing his son sacrificed his own. He's still here. He didn't go anywhere, we did. I did. Maybe you did. Lets turn around. Knock and he will answer. Lets take a step into our unknown. He knows it. He's already there. If you need encouragement because your faith is dry, read Hebrews 11. God still has us. Some of us are walking with him. Some are running to him and others are running away. He's the same for us all if we will just turn to him. He loves us and wants us. My faith may not be huge in my circumstances but its getting bigger. It's gaining momentum and strength. I am running to my God. He's still there with open arms. For you and me.

I woke up...

Sleep is amazing. You can be anyone in dreams. You can be an astronaut, a pilot or even a cowboy. Last night, I was the love of your life. It was great. Just like it use to be. We were walking and talking. You told me you loved me. Unbelievably real. Then, I woke up.
I realized in that moment, that this was as close as I would get to that again. Maybe for a while, maybe forever. And there it was, back for more. My fear and heavy heart. It ripped itself out and told me how foolish I am. It showed me once again what my reality is.
I don't know if you want me. Neither do you. The life that we built was a lie, nothing of it true. It hurts to know you were never sincere. It hurts to know it was fake.
Still, I love you. I'm here and you walked away. I don't think you deserve my love. None of us deserve anything good. But still it remains. For now. I don't know how long. Your bed is made, your decision is yours. Just please, think it through. Pray it out. I am. I long for sleep to get back to the happiness. Sweet dreams to us both.

We Looked Back

I'm sitting on the beach right now where I proposed to my wife. That was 5 years ago (in 6 days). I think back to how I felt that night. I was nervous, sweaty, clammy, and thought for sure I would lose heart. What if she said no? Man, that would've floored me. I would've been crushed. We walked out on the beach and were just standing under the stars. It was chilly with the ocean breeze. I can still feel it. I looked up, prayed silently to God while I held her. I turned her around and slid out the ring. You have to understand. I'm not good at this type of thing. She teared up, smiled and said yes. It was one of the top ten happiest moments I think I could ever experience. I was king of Holden Beach.

Now, I sit on this very same beach. I just ran a few miles and stopped at the very point on this beach where I felt that elated feeling. Here I sit 5 years later. That same nervous feeling. Sweaty and clammy, all the while constantly saying silent prayers to God. Now I'm praying for us in a different way. For her, for me and for our children. Now I'm looking for that same answer. A teary yes. I'm no longer king of Holden Beach. I pray for elation. I pray for that love again. I pray I don't lose heart.

I Told You...

What if I told you I miss you? What if I said this is enough? We need to make a move. We've been sitting in the same place for too long now. I've prayed over us and I've prayed over you. Somewhere along the way I forgot about me. So did you.

I've poured myself into us and into you. I've made decisions, to better our life together and always with your input. I'd venture to even say sometimes for your benefit without ever considering me. That's what this was to me. To make sure you were given what you wanted. To try to meet every need.

Here I am now. All alone. I can't find you no matter how hard I search. I see you but you're not here. Not really. So many times I've stayed awake praying you'd come back. You've made me a believer. That you're gone. I still miss you.

Now I realize I did a disservice. To myself anyway. I may have to you. I built an expectation for myself that I could never have lived up to in your eyes. Who could? I placed myself as the sole provider. Of love, acceptance and of gratification. No one should have to live up to that. Nor should you have.

My mistake? Not putting God first. Not realizing that's where my fulfillment must come from. I inadvertently put it on you. That was incredibly unfair. I won't apologize for putting you first. Nor will I apologize for trying so hard. It's who I am. I gave it my all. This is no longer my burden. I've given it away to the One who does love me. To He who will never waiver on His love and commitment to me. I've given it to my Savior. To my Jesus.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

You Can't Figure It Out?

Lately, things have been completely upside down in my life. To the point that my stomach is in a constant knot and my heart is breaking almost daily. Why? I don't know.
I guess the thing is I feel lost. I know who my God is, but outside of that I'm not sure about anything else. I can't figure anything out inside my world. I feel cut off and shut out. It sucks. You get to a point where you feel like you are doing everything right and then everything falls apart. The reality is we do very little right. Too often we try to guide ourselves. We try to be big enough to do it on our own so we can control it. We fail to realize how weak and imperfect we really are.
On the other hand, I pray constantly for an answer. Some sort of resolution. I may feel unwanted or unloved by the world and even people in my life, but I have a Heavenly Father who doesn't feel that way about me. He sent His Son for me.
The struggle is finding that peace. The world teaches us that all gratification should come from ourselves or from those around us. This couldn't be further from the truth. Our gratification should come from Jesus. He is our link, our path to happiness and joy. He is our life blood.
I know the avenue to this peace. I know it's not an easy road to travel. Then again, what is? Nothing that comes easy is ever good for you. At least it hasn't been for me. Life is hard sometimes. Deep down I think we can all agree with that. I don't know how to change that, but I know who can ease the struggle and its not me. It's Jesus. Through Him, we can be set free. It's maintaining the course of that faith that is difficult.
If there's anyone out there that reads this, I have a simple request. Just pray for me. Pray for me to keep the faith. Pray for strength so I can maintain that course. We are all called to do something. The way we get there is uncertain. Just make sure your moves are guided by the author of life and love. That's where I'm aiming.

Hope is what I Gained from this...

Pain is imminent. How you handle that pain is completely up to you. It's funny because I've been going through something lately that has been the hardest thing I've ever been through. I know that everyone goes through something and everyone's pain is real. I don't want to take away from that. I want to preface by saying that regardless the situation, I am still blessed. But my pain is my pain and to me it's tough.
I've been told I'm a fixer. I try to fix everything. I can understand how that can be annoying. At first I think it was a selfish tendency. I didn't want to go through the rough patch so my natural instinct was to try to fix it. I didn't know that the other person would be upset by this. I didn't know that trying to make the situation better was a problem.
The next phase of my fixing was for those around me. I didn't want them to hurt anymore so I tried to remedy. I asked questions, probably too many and I tried to force conversation. I'm a fixer.
On the other hand, I wanted what I wanted because of the vision I had for my life. I have this thing called by some an imagination. I imagined the American dream. That doesn't always work out, to no fault of your own. I certainly am learning that the hard way.
The one thing I have learned in this situation is that sometimes God speaks to us through others. I feel that he has to me. Let me also preface, in case you are confused, that God did not appear to me in a burning bush nor did He yell at me through a thunderstorm. I feel that He has gotten my attention and confirmed an answer to a prayer through others. I've been told several times over the last four days one thing specifically. Twice by trusted friends or family, once through a sermon at church and another by a family member who heard almost the same sermon at a different church altogether. To sweeten the pot, that sermon brought me to their mind.
So what is this mysterious awakening? This confirmation? It's actually very simple. Here it is. God's plan or vision for my life is much greater than my own vision or plan for my life. I know. It's simple. Almost elementary if you're a Christian. Lets just say it was written out for us. The Bible says :For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). Here's the thing. My plans may very well cause harm for me and bring about struggle. That is not hopeful.
I am still learning and I am still praying. I know that God is in control. I have learned that I cannot take the wheel here. I have to fully commit to Him. I have to let him take it.
Just to wrap this up, please know that I do not brag wisdom. Nor will I try to convince you that I am a Bible scholar or a theologian. I am simply a broken, insecure man who is searching for something. An answer or a truth. I need this revelation to come from my faith because quite frankly, I'm not strong enough or smart enough to do it on my own. I know that there is a struggle ahead of me. I am afraid of the cost as well as the outcome. I know there will be some degree of suffering no matter the outcome. But, I know there is good from that as well. The Bible also says this: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3, 4 NIV).
Thank God for hope. It's what we need. It's what I yearn for. I will keep the faith. I will lean on The Lord. No matter what. I am so glad that He is in control. I never will be.

From Me to You...I Love You When...

I love you. More than words can explain, I love you. When you are up and everything is right with your world, so is it with mine. I love you when you're happy.

I love you. When you are angry and can't get past it, I'm here. Either to help you make sense of it or to grovel and make up for it. You're anger is my anger and I will try my best to help you through it to the other side. I love you when you're angry.

I love you. When you're down and out and everything is crashing down, so is it with me. I will be here to pick you up and dust you off. I will make every effort to bring a smile to your beautiful face and see you back from the ruins. I love you when you're down.

I love you. When the world makes you indifferent I will offer what I can. If you need space and time, that's what I will give but will always be close by. If you need me I'm here when you're ready. I love you when you're not yourself.

I love you. When the world throws anything it can at you or us, I will stand in front of you. I will combat those attacks and take the brunt of it so you don't have to. I love you when you feel that everything is stacked against you.

I love you. When you're excited about what's coming or happening, I will share in that excitement. I will encourage you and make sure it's known how special and deserving you are of everything good coming your way. I love you when you're successful.

I love you. When you try at something or have a dream and it falls through, I will be there to help you pick up the pieces. We will make strides to ensure the next time is better. I love you when you fail.

I love you. When it feels like I'm too busy, too consumed with everything else, you're my first concern. I will work hard to give you the best and to make sure you're taken care of. I will make time for you and us. I love you when you're in need.

I love you. When we have nothing and can't find anyway around, I love you. When the bills pile up and the money runs low, I will sacrifice. I love you when we're poor.

I love you. When everything is in our favor and nothing we want is out of reach, we will enjoy it together. I will be thankful with you. I love you when we're rich.

I love you. When you feel like no one is around and you can't keep going I will carry you. I will pray you through everything and give it to God with you. I will hold you and comfort you. I love you when you're lonely.

I love you. When you feel you're getting older and your youth has left you I will let you know how beautiful you are. I will make sure you know that none hold a candle to you. Inside and out, you're the most beautiful, perfect woman in this world. I love you when you're insecure.

I love you. There are so many things that will stack against us and try to break us. I won't give up. I never will. You are the glue that holds my heart together and nothing will break that. I will put on my armor and grab my shield. I will go into battle, scared or courageous, and I will take on war for you, for us. I will fight for you. When all else is gone, my love will never be. I love you when nothing else is constant.

I love you. I pledge my life to God, you and our family. Through good and bad, ups and downs, I am here to love you. I will build you up and make this life ours to share together. I love you when I wake. I love you when I sleep.

I love you. I always have and I always will. When it's easy and when it's not, it will not change. It will not falter, it will not fade. It will not go away. It will get stronger and will not run out.

From me to you, I love you.

Hold On...

Many times in life we hit rough patches with so many things. It's hard to stay put and just hold on. Your confidence is shaken, your faith is weak and it seems like you are all alone in your little world. The truth is there are people all around. Whether you are going through a job loss, losing a loved one or going through troubles at home, the one thing you must do is hold on. Bad weather lasts for only a moment. Through the rain and storm, hold on. The sun will come back out. Things will turn up on a brighter side. Be steadfast. I know I will. No matter what, I will not be shaken and I will stand and fight for those that I love and for what is right. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying put. So should you.

The Unknown, Fear & Hurt

What if you made a mistake that you didn't know how to fix? What if there were repercussions that you didn't know about? Hats off to you if you've never been here. This is where hurt starts.

When you realize that you've put all of your time and effort into taking care of something then you notice that all the while you neglected the object of your affection is a bad place to be. It causes fear and that leads to hurting. Bruised ego, lower confidence and above all, fear in your heart. I'm not talking about a scary movie fear that lasts for a moment. I'm talking about a fear deep inside that you can't shake. One that only someone else can alleviate. But, that one person doesn't understand.

It's scary to feel like you are going to lose something or even more, someone. It hurts to know you had the power and the means to make sure it never happened. It's humbling to realize you took care of things that didn't matter and put in jeopardy those that do.

It may pass. It may not. Things could stay and you may not lose anything at all. Maybe they up and walk away. Pray for an answer. A good one. I know I am. I always will.

Pity Parties, Peace and Perspective

I know a guy. He looks at life from a half empty perspective. His cup is running low. Bills, mortgage, kids, tough economy, car troubles, health concerns...the whole nine. Nothing gets better and he sees everyone else prospering. It frustrates this guy.

There's another guy I know that's the opposite. Same problems but he chooses to focus on the good. The beautiful family, the roof over his head, food to eat, one good car. This guy is one step away from getting the break he's seen everyone around him get. He's excited.

The first guy is me. These are my bad days. It's all I focus on because I can't get past the worldly problems. These are the days that my faith is weak.

The second guy? Well, that's me too. These are the good days. These are the days that I don't really notice (or at least decide not to dwell on) the rough patches that I can't change. These are the days that my faith is strong.

My struggle is getting these two guys to meet in the middle. I'm working on it. We will see how it goes.

Kids, Parents and The Lord Above

So I've been pretty retrospective lately. I have two great, albeit challenging kids at home that I am responsible for. I am tasked with knowing what's best for them. Feeding them and providing for them. Above all else, loving them just as my parents have done (and continue to do) for me and theirs before them. It's a cycle that we go through as parents.
I've noticed something. I for the most part know what's best for my kids. I put them first. Even when they don't ask. In fact, especially when they don't. I tell them what they shouldn't do and then what they should. I teach them the rules. I give them direction not so life isn't fun but because I want them to be safe and happy.
I tell them no. They disobey and often times it makes me mad. Really mad. Then they run to me and say "I'm sorry" through tears or smiles. Regardless I take them back. Because I said I would. Because I love them. They keep disobeying. I discipline and take them back. Another cycle.
I realize that this seems extremely elementary. It is. So is life. So is the cycle. Another realization I had is I'm no different. I'm a baby. I'm a toddler. Not in life or age of course but in my faith. God sees me in the same light as I do my kids. I disobey what He has clearly laid out for me to do. I ask Him to forgive me through tears or smiles. He takes me back. Thank goodness for this cycle. There is a difference. I am human and He is not. I am simple and not holy. He is the opposite. It amazes me still that He loves me infinitely more than I even love my own kids. I couldn't imagine loving them more, yet He does. I am a parent. I am a kid. He is love. I would give everything I have to make my kids happy and safe. He already has.

"And God demonstrates His own love for us in this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8